Q&A series continues…
… and it continues with Rebecca Elizabeth Blanton aka Auntie Vice. We reached out to Rebecca recently, because of two reasons – to pitch an idea for a guest post and to ask her if she would participate in our Q&A series.
She said yes to both and now, here we are.
Love Letters to a Unicorn
Rebecca’s educational background is in psychology and politics – she worked in the field for a period of time. Eventually, she quit from it, partially because of her understanding she won’t be able to change the politics, no matter what kind of effort she puts in.
Her leaving that job helped her new career – writing and participating in the kink community might not be that easy and/or smart while doing a job/ having a position that is political.
She started teaching in the kink community and that is where she is now. Rebecca published 3 books. The first one was ”Love Letters to a Unicorn” and later she published ”The Big Workbook for Submissives” and ”Eat Good, Drink Good, Live Good”.
Her blog, named after the first book – was started as a way of promotion, but it continued to be a blog about kink, BDSM, submission, and gender. It seemed like the perfect home for our guest post – ”Why Collars Are Important to BDSM?” and it made us really happy (proud) she agreed to publish it.
Why? Because she is there where we want to come. We think her insight and knowledge are perfect, especially for the Q&A article. You (our readers) and us, can learn a lot from her.
What we also liked on her blog is the Reviews section, where she reviewed several sex toys. Check it out!
Auntie Vice is also hosting a body-positive and sex-positive podcast -”Fat Chicks On Top”. I highly recommend you listen to an episode or two(or all of them), you will have a good time and (probably) learn something new. The first episode came out in June 2018. and until now, she published 12 episodes.
Visit Rebecca’s blog, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.
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Q&A – Rebecca E. Blanton
How did you notice that you could be into something kinky?
I never knew sex without kink. My first high school boyfriend introduced me to handcuffs and fisting. By my senior year, the movie 9 1/2 Weeks had hit the theaters and most of the people I dated wanted to try something they saw in the film.
I connected with leather dykes early (around age 16). Kink and body safety was just part of coming into my natural sexuality.
Do you remember your first kinky experience?
I had made my boyfriend wait until I turned 14 to have vaginal intercourse (I thought I was being a “responsible” teen, lol).
So he got me handcuffs, tied me up in a state park on a mountain biking excursion, and fisted me before we had sex for the first time. It was awesome!
To this day, how far did you go?
I am not sure what this question means. If you want to know about how “extreme” I go with kink, it varies. Kink has bee (and still is) a lifelong learning journey. When I was in my 20s my list of hard limits was quite long.
Things like exhibitionism, humiliation, cock and ball torture and water sports were things I never thought I would be into. As I have aged and had different partners and learned about myself, my limits change. Today, my list of hard limits is much shorter.
However, I have also come to find that many of my kinks are more finely tuned to the partner. I rarely enjoy humiliation with people. However, the dynamic between myself and one specific partner makes that kink especially hot. Other partners I may engage with 1950s role play or pet play.
Honestly, being in the kink and queer world for decades now I have lost a sense of what others consider “extreme.” A lot of it depends on the audience. Vanilla hetero folks may find using dildos and strap-ons for sex “extreme” whereas most lesbians I know have a collection of these things. Some folks may find things like being lit on fire “extreme” because it is not common.
However, folks who are masochists may find this mild because the sensation is low on the pain scale.
Would you recommend BDSM activities to a friend, to try it out? Why?
Folks tend to think of BDSM as just the fetishes they see in films (including porn). BDSM as a culture is much more than just “weird sex.” The kink community has long valued things like consent, communication, and community. These things are important for everyone regardless of what they do in bed.
The old adage is, “What is the difference between a boxing match and assault? Consent.” The same goes for kink. If I want to tie you up and spank you if I don’t have your clear expressed permission before we start, its assault. Sexuality which involves BDSM requires that partners talk about their desires and agree to engage in an activity before engaging in said activity. This is a practice everyone, regardless of what they do in the bedroom, should practice.
Much of kink also relies on a community, whether that is in person or online. Kinky folks talk to each other- a lot. We develop connections. We talk about our sexuality and what we want. We take classes. We create videos and blogs to pass along knowledge. We warn each other about predators and unsafe players. For anyone exploring their own desires and sexualities, connecting with the kink world can be a powerful experience. I would hope folks of all desires, gender, and sexual orientations could experience some of this during their lifetime.
Would you say one could benefit from introducing BDSM or some light aspects of it, into his/ her life?
I think most people would benefit from introducing a bit of BDSM into their world. Many folks in the BDSM community enjoy power exchange play. This is where one partner gives overpower over some aspect of their life (e.g., what happens during a sexual scene, choosing clothing for dates) and one partner assumes power over making those decisions.
There is an explicit discussion of power exchange before people do this.
Most couples, even vanilla folks who have never engaged in kinky sex, have some form of the power dynamic in their relationships. Much of the time this power relationship goes unsaid and is based on what someone has seen modeled in their familiar relationships or in the media.
When two people engage in a relationship without discussing what their power structure is they can struggle to find a relationship style that fits both of them.
Explicitly discussing power in a relationship can be very helpful to folks. Engaging in light BDSM helps these conversations develop.
What would you say to a beginner, where to learn and how to start with a BDSM?
There are so many great places to start!!
I would suggest for most folks starting online. Read blogs and zines and websites written by reputable educators to learn a bit about the kink you are into or want to explore. Connect on our social media platforms (e.g., Fetlife, private Facebook groups) to chat with other kinky folks.
When you are ready, venture out to groups in your community. Most cities and towns (even the little ones) have munches (coffee groups for kinky folks) where we meet in public spaces in regular clothes to meet and chat. This is a great way to find out what is going on in your community and meet other like-minded folks.
How can single people get involved with BDSM community?
Check out Fetlife.com. While this site leaves a lot to be desired, it really it the Facebook for the kink world. It also has a big listing of events for folks to connect in real life with other kinky people. Check out your local munches (many are listed on Fetlife).
If you can afford to go to a kink conference it is worth checking these out for the education and the possibility of talking to other kinky folks. The first steps into the community can be quite intimidating.
Remember, you are always free to leave and you don’t owe anyone anything. If you get overwhelmed or uncomfortable you can always leave. However, it is worth overcoming your fears so you can make connections with kinky people!
What is the best way for someone to get into BDSM life? Are there any materials you would suggest?
I don’t think there is anyone “right way” to get involved in the BDSM community.
For some people, the fantasy will be better than the reality. It is worth giving a few of your fantasies a shot. If you like them, keep it up! If not, you don’t have to keep doing stuff that you don’t enjoy. Start with what is comfortable for you.
If that is reading books, great!!! Kinky authors need more readers. If you like online stuff- blogs, podcasts, discussion groups- give those a shot. When you are ready, venture out and meet people in real life.
In general, do you think that being open to new things and trying out something like BDSM or similar, can help couples in their life/ sex life?
I find being open to trying new things in sex is always helpful for couples. We all grow and change over time. What made you hot and bothered at 22 may not be really interesting 15 years into your relationships at 37.
People also develop health conditions and our bodies change. Being open to trying new kinks allows you and your partner(s) to continue to adapt to growing needs and desires.
It is also the case that most of us have at least one desire which would be classified as “kinky.”
Being open to discussing a fetish (even if you are not into it) allows you and your partner to communicate about desires. You may not be into what they are asking you to do but there may be an alternative or twist which could work for you. If you are not judgemental when a partner opens up about a desire it will keep the good vibes going between the two of you.
If you reply to a new kink with an, “Ewwww! No!!” your partner is less likely to want to discuss any other changes in your sex life in the future making it harder for both of you to get what you need.
What toys/ equipment should a beginner have?
Much of this depends of the fetishes you might be into. I recommend basic safety equipment first: safety scissors, a first aid kit, toy sanitizer or bleach.
Then start buying toys which fit your desires. I would also advise buying high quality toys from the start. It can be tempting to buy that cheap $20 “flogger” you see on Amazon or at some multilevel marketing sex toy company party.
However, it will almost always fall apart in a scene or two and you will end up replacing it quickly. Cheap insertable toys (dildos, butt plugs) will often say “body safe” or “medical grade silicone” but be filled with less desirable plastics.
Buy the good stuff from the start. You will never regret it.
Do you have a favorite BDSM play/ equipment?
Yes! I have a custom-made flogger. It has 30 30″ tresses made of buffalo and an ergonomic handle in purple and black. It weighs about 5 pounds and packs a serious wallop. It also smells really good! Totally worth the splurge.
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