Our guest for the first BDSM question and answer article is Amy Norton – author of the blog Coffee & Kink.
We created this Q&A series with the hope to bring BDSM world closer to the people who aren’t into it but would like to.
We imagined it as a series of blog posts where people who are familiar with the scene answer questions and give advice to whoever needs one.
And first one to share her experiences is Amy Norton!
Coffee & Kink
Amy Norton is a twenty-something years old girl, coming from Great Britain. As she said about herself – sex is the only topic she never runs out of things to say about. Amy blogs about sex, from educational posts and erotic fiction and all the way to sex toys reviews.
She updates her blog on a weekly basis, so there is always something new to read about.
What we really like about Amy is that she is an active part of the community. Amy promotes sex positivity and sex as a way of life. She educates and helps people find their way in kink/ BDSM/ non-monogamy scene. A lot of her work is aimed to amplify the voices of women, LGBTQ+ community, trans community, and anyone else who is marginalized. Not only that, she works to fight rape culture and abuse in intimate relationships. Very admirable, we must say.
I’ll quote a part of text from her About Me page – we certainly found ourselves in this.
”I want people to talk openly about sex. I want accurate, pleasure-focused information for everyone, and I want informed, enthusiastic consent to become a minimum standard. Coffee & Kink is my small attempt at being the change I wish to see in the world.”
You can find Amy’s blog here and her Twitter account here.
We like her writing very much, it found a path to our hearts quickly. When she agreed to help us with our BDSM question and answer article, we were so eager to read the answers.
For this BDSM question and answer article, we prepared 11 questions that we find relevant for the beginners. We are sure that Amy’s answers will help you picture BDSM and make getting into BDSM world easier.
Q&A – Amy Norton
How did you notice that you could be into something kinky?
I’ve had fantasies that I now understand is “kinky” (specifically involving me in a submissive position) for literally as long as I can remember, and certainly long before I knew what sex was. I discovered the terms “kink,” “BDSM” and “fetish” when I was 19 years old, at an LGBTQ+ sexuality event, and that was when I realized that the things I was thinking about and doing had a name.
Do you remember your first kinky experience?
I was sixteen and it was with my first long-term partner who was also my first pretty much everything, sexually speaking. He told me he had a fantasy where I was the student and he was the teacher and he spanked me for some small infraction. It blew my mind how hot I found this idea and, a little later, the reality.
To this day, how far did you go?
I’m not sure measuring sexual or kinky activities in terms of “how far” is sensible or useful.
It’s all relative, after all – one person’s edgiest, darkest desires are another person’s average Friday night. But I’ve done some pretty wild stuff. Fire play stands out as one of the scariest but hottest (pun entirely intended) experiences of recent years.
Would you recommend BDSM activities to a friend, to try it out? Why?
BDSM is such a broad umbrella covering so many activities.
Technically, BDSM covers everything from silk scarves to hot wax, from light teasing to hard pain play. I certainly don’t think everyone is, or should be, into the more standard (if there is such a thing) BDSM activities – loads of people don’t like pain, for example, or find the idea of giving up control upsetting.
But I do think everyone should have space, information and freedom to explore their sexuality and dive more deeply into the things that work for them.
Would you say, that one could benefit from introducing BDSM or some light aspects of it, into his/ her life?
There are so, so many benefits to kink and BDSM if you’re interested in exploring it!
To begin with, it can take you to new levels of intimacy and trust with your partner and bring a new fire to your sex life. But there’s also increasing evidence showing the positive benefits of consensual kink on mental health and relational satisfaction.
For me, kink is at least in part about catharsis – I get an emotional release from it that I struggle to find anywhere else.
Plus it’s just plain fun! None of us play enough as adults, and kink is basically grown-up playtime.
What would you say to a beginner, where to learn and how to start with BDSM?
I have a dear friend who I met at their very first munch, where they told me that they’d decided not to play AT ALL for a minimum of three months, in order to learn as much as possible without the sexual energy or brain chemicals play can induce clouding their judgment.
That person is one of the safest, most responsible and knowledgeable kinksters I know now! So I really, really recommend this approach – don’t dive in with the intention to play immediately, especially if you don’t have an established partner.
Find a community, learn everything you can, soak up all the information, talk to as many people as you can (and not just of the gender/role you’re attracted to!) and take things slowly.
How can single people get involved with BDSM community?
As mentioned above, it’s best not to approach the community as your personal cruising ground to find a partner – people tend to spot this a mile off and get really grossed out by it.
Find your local community and start going to munches, making friends, and becoming known. With time, you’ll meet people who might be of the gender(s) and role(s) you’re attracted to, and then you might start getting asked to play or even getting to go on some dates.
Meet people as people first, rather than potential conquests, and your association with the kinky community should be a long and happy one.
What is the best way for someone to get into BDSM life? Are there any learning materials you would suggest?
I keep harping on about finding a community.
Ideally, the best way to do this is to go to a munch – a non-sexual, no-play social with kinky people, usually in a pub or restaurant. Chat, make friends, get your face known on your local scene.
Also get yourself on Fetlife (fetlife.com, basically Facebook for perverts.) But remember, just as your local scene isn’t your cruising ground, Fetlife isn’t a dating site! Join some forums, add some people you met at your local munch, and dive into the discussion.
There are tonnes of great resources out there but I must give a particular plug to the phenomenal Loving BDSM podcast and site (lovingbdsm.net,) “The Ultimate Guide to Kink” by Tristan Taormino, “The New Topping Book” & “The New Bottoming Book” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and “Playing Well With Others” by Mollena Williams-Haas and Lee Harrington.
Oh, and check out some sex blogs which focus on kink!
In general, do you think that being open to new things and trying out something like BDSM or similar, can help couples in their life/ sex life?
Being open to experimentation and trying things DEFINITELY makes for a better sex and love life, regardless of relationship style – even if your only sexual relationship right now is with yourself!
This doesn’t have to include BDSM, but exploring the elements of kink that appeal to you can definitely bring some fresh spark into your bedroom.
What toys/ equipment should a beginner have?
There’s really no one-size-fits-all here because preferences are so different. If you have no idea what you like, you can always grab a beginner’s kit from somewhere like Lovehoney to try out.
But once you know what you like, I recommend spending what you can afford to get some really good gear – some proper jute or hemp rope if you’re a bondage fan (you can even get it dyed your favourite colour, I just got some of THE PRETTIEST purple jute!)
A leather flogger if you’re into impact play. I’m doing an “all-purpose” guide on my blog soon, but broadly I’d say a basic kit could include: rope, cuffs or other restraints; flogger, paddle or other impact toy (note: DO NOT buy a single-tail whip until an expert has taught you how to use one, they’re seriously dangerous!); decent body-safe vibrator (I recommend the Doxy Die Cast); blindfold.
Beyond this, follow your interests and use your imagination.
Do you have a favorite BDSM play/ equipment?
This depends massively on my mood and what kind of play we’re doing. I adore our purple jute rope. I have a mega expensive Coco De Mer (high-end sex shop in London) leather flogger that I love. My collar is of course very special. It all just depends on what I’m feeling!
That’s it – hopefully, you find Amy’s answers as fun and helpful as we do.
If you have any suggestions for the questions that we should ask people in upcoming BDSM question and answer articles – let us know.
We would also love any feedback – the comment section is below the article.
Thank you!
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